Tough working conditions for criminals – only you can help

With all the recent focus on the greatest depression the world has even known, it’s easy to forget the other crises we have on our hands.  Hard economic times make for tough working conditions for people like Joe Homeinvader.

“Well yeah, it’s gettin’ tough out there.  Every time I kick in the door, or smash in a window, I face the possibility of being shot – or killed.  No one should have to work under those conditions.”

It’s Gun O’Clock time! Rise and shine!

OK, so there are about a hundred reasons why this is a really bad idea.  But it sure is funny…


Rise and shine! It's Gun-O'Clock time!

View the video

Hat tip: Dave Barry

Self catching escape artists…

Only in the movies…

Two New Zealand prisoners who were handcuffed together as they fled a courthouse foiled their own getaway when they ran to opposite sides of a light pole, slammed into each other and fell to the ground… Grainy footage of the escapade shown on TV One News was billed as “one of the worst escape attempts ever seen.”
AP News, Ray Lilley

Yep, this calls for a video and fortunately it was all caught with a court CCTV camera.

Dave Barry’s Blog, Peter Metrinko, Matt Filar, Bill Moore, Gary and Scott MGS

Can we spare a billion to save our criminal education system?

Face it.  Not all criminals have the advantages of a first rate education that newly appointed Treasury Secretary Geithner has enjoyed.  Burglary, assault, tax evasion, and drunk and disorderly conduct are not skills easily mastered without proper training and education opportunities.  In today’s global economy, the ability of our hoodlums to compete is vital to our nations long-term wealth redistribution program.

A July, 2001 column from Dave Barry got me to thinking.  With a trillion dollar bailout bill floating around, certainly we can spare a billion or two to help our brethren in need.

Not so long ago, American criminals ranked among the best in the
world. Foreigners were terrified to come here because our criminals
were so good at making our streets unsafe. Today, however, we are
producing incompetent criminals who not only have allowed the crime
rate to drop alarmingly, but who also, when they DO attempt to break
the law, commit crimes of a quality that is, frankly, embarrassing.

Consider a story from The Capital, in Annapolis, Md., written by Brian Schleter
and sent in by many alert readers. According to this article, an
alleged parole violator was about to be taken into custody in the
county courthouse in Annapolis when he suddenly ran from the courtroom.
So far, so good; criminals are supposed to flee.

The suspect, pursued by sheriff’s deputies, ran into the nearby Maryland Inn, where
he hid in a closet. This is still acceptably competent criminal behavior.

But then, according to The Capital, the man decided to
disguise himself by ”putting on a bunny suit.” I am not making this
up. For some reason, which is not explained in the Capital article, the
closet contained a full-size bunny suit, with large pink ears, and the
suspect climbed into it. Maybe he thought this would fool the deputies.

FIRST DEPUTY: He ran into that closet!

SECOND DEPUTY (opening closet door): Nope! There’s nobody in here but a giant bunny!


Dave Barry, The Miami Herald, July 15, 2001

Keep thuggery and general malfeasance in America! Contact your Congressional representatives today!

Armed Robber Turns Into Goat. Goat Detained.


Alleged Magic Goat Robber

Why did I not think of this?  Instead of worrying about crime avoidance strategies, I can just transform into a farm animal and blend into the scenery. This strategy might not work as well in city environments though.

LAGOS (Reuters) – Police in Nigeria are holding a goat on suspicion of attempted armed robbery.

Vigilantes took the black and white beast to the police saying it
was an armed robber who had used black magic to transform himself into
a goat to escape arrest after trying to steal a Mazda 323.

“The group of vigilante men came to report that while they were on
patrol they saw some hoodlums attempting to rob a car. They pursued
them. However one of them escaped while the other turned into a goat,”
Kwara state police spokesman Tunde Mohammed told Reuters by telephone.

“We cannot confirm the story, but the goat is in our custody. We
cannot base our information on something mystical. It is something that
has to be proved scientifically, that a human being turned into a
goat,” he said.

Goat detained over armed robbery | Oddly Enough | Reuters

Posted using ShareThis

Thief caught out giving policeman’s address | Oddly Enough | Reuters

Thief caught out giving policeman’s address | Oddly Enough | Reuters

Posted using ShareThis

Hands up and gimme your water!

Apparently water companies need to think about installing silent alarms, bullet proof glass, and full time security guards…

Robber mistakes building for a bank, demands cash

The Associated Press
Ky. — Police said a man showed a gun and tried to rob a bank, but he
wasn’t in one. The Jessamine South Elkhorn Water District has offices
in what was formerly a branch of Farmers Bank…

…When an employee told the man the office really didn’t have any
money, the confused would-be robber replied, “I know you have money.
It’s a bank.”

He was told it was no longer a bank and he left with nothing.

Sometimes I worry about the crime problem.  And sometimes I see things like this…

(Thanks to Dave Barry)

The Rodent Chronicles, Part 4: Sneaky Ninja Stuff

I quickly figured out that rats can hear.


Me in my ninja gear

You see, to get from the upstairs living area to the garage, then around the corner to the dark side of the garage, I had to navigate a flight of wooden steps. I don’t know if you have ever noticed, but wooden steps have attitudes. When you try to be quiet, like when trying to sneak home as a teenager, well after curfew, in a beer induced state of grace and elegance, those wooden stairs tend to SCREAM! They also tend to move around on you unexpectedly, but that’s another story.

My son and I figured out that proper Ninja shoes are important to maintain good sound discipline. Too bad we didn’t have any. Being manly men, we went barefoot – and hoped like crazy that our little friend was up in the ceiling crossbeams and not on the floor. We would have had to scream like little girls, and that would definitely not be ninja-like.

It was then that we realized that clothes make noise. Lot’s of noise. I now understand why real ninjas wear pajamas instead of Levis. Dang, this garage safari was starting to get really expensive.

So after about a dozen tries to sneak down into the garage and catch our little friend out of his safe little Tora Bora cave, we finally figured out how to do it quietly.

The hunt was on. During Final Jeopardy, we baited the cross beams outside his hovel, then waited until “Chuck” was over to make our move. Weapons locked and loaded, shoes lost, ninja uniforms donned, down those attitudinal wooden steps we went.

It was then that I heard my son eating Rice Krispies. Except he wasn’t. Turns out it was my 45 year old knees. So much for quiet as a ninja.

Sneaky ninja stuff is definitely for kids.

Gun Salesman of the Year Outsells Mighty Putty!


Billy Mays

Billy Mays


Gun Salesman of the Year

Can anyone (except Willy Loman of course) outsell Billy Mays? Apparently the CEO of the Office of the President Elect can.

I just ran across a couple of posts by SayUncle and Call me Ahab that pointed to yet another record month of gun sales since the election. According to the FBI, background checks required for gun purchases topped 1.5 million in December. That’s 292,901 more than December of 2007. That’s a lot of guns, especially considering you can buy more than one per background check.

It got me to thinking.

I know that in the average month, Billy manages to sell about 341,532 boxes of Mighty Putty. OK I just made that up, but it sure sounds impressive. But it did make me appreciate what a big number 1,523,426 is. Hmmmm….

· 1.5 million guns have to cost somewhere in the neighborhood of a half a billion dollars! That’s about 96 minutes of bailout money for General Motors, and almost as much as Governor Rod Blagojevich wanted for the Illinois Senate seat the way I figure it.

· All those guns have to weigh about 6.8 million pounds. That’s about 50% more than the space shuttle weighs. It would take Nancy Pelosi about 114 trips to haul all of those guns across country in her taxpayer funded Boeing 757.

· If you lined up all those new guns, they would form a CNN hand wringing line of doom about 601 miles long. That’s over twice as far as George Clooney’s electric car can go on a charge, and nearly as far as John Kerry can backpeddle in a 90 minute Presidential debate. Heck, with 601 miles to spare, a sober Ted Kennedy could have driven across the Dike Bridge in Chappaquiddick 42,310 times.

Wow, those sales numbers are mind bottling. For those of you who are not “Blades of Glory” fans, that’s “when things are so crazy it gets your thoughts all trapped, like in a bottle.”

Gotta run and do some more really important analytical stuff.

Always use eye and ear protection when exploding bananas on your head!

From The Ridiculant Blog

Exploding banana head man, we salute you

While we’re wary of succumbing to hubris, we nonetheless feel fairly
confident in saying that this will be the weirdest video you’ll see
online today. It’s one of the of the finest examples we’ve ever seen of
the always-popular ‘man with his head covered in bananas which then
explode’ genre.

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