My work day started with an inbox full of invitations to advertise on Twitter. The apparently hoplophobic, time-sucking, Miley Cyrus worshipping social media giant targeted me as a deep-pocketed Donny Deutsch while I tossed and turned with nightmares over which coffee shops to patronize.
The ironic thing is that Twitter doesn’t really want my business. Even though they are sending solicitations to someone known online as @MYGUNCULTURE with a MYGUNCULTURE (DOT) COM email address they quickly change their tune when they discover I talk about… GUNS! Now there’s a shocker. How could they have known?
I decided to try out some ads to help promote my new book, The Rookie’s Guide to Guns and Shooting. However, Twitter rejected my advertising submission, so I wrote for clarification. I received a personalized form letter (yes, exactly) stating that my entire account is ineligible to advertise because my website has advertisements related to guns. So, according to Twitter, my budding writing business is not welcome in their advertising program. If I wasn’t so insecure to start with, that might be tough on my ego.
So I decided to do a little internet sleuthing – I’m a certified web addict after all – and find out who, or in some cases what, is more socially acceptable on Twitter than gun owners. Keep in mind, I really could care less about who or what get’s Twitter love in the list below, I just want to know where my fellow gun owners and I stand in the hierarchy of societal strata.
After explaining to my family that this was really work related, here’s a few of the random things I learned about what seems to be appropriate on Twitter:
1. The epic Tweet war between Amanda Bynes and Rhianna. Wholesome family fun at its best, assuming your family appreciates classless, tasteless, racist debate.
2. UFC advertisements. Twitter seems to have no compunctions about taking money from the UFC when they want to advertise the wholesome family activity of one guy beating another guy senseless.
3. If you’re ticked at the 1% corporate bogeyman, you can buy an ad on Twitter. A disgruntled customer paid Twitter to promote tweets like this one. “British Airways sucks. Don’t ever fly with them #britishairways @britishairways @british_airways.”
4. For the paltry sum of $13,000, you can have Khloe Kardashian tweet something on your behalf. It’s unclear whether it costs extra to have her tweet about guns.
5. Jezebel will teach you how to have a rocking CoreGasm. Sorry folks, this article is rated PG, so you’ll have to go to Twitter to learn more.
6. While we’re on the Jezebel topic, porn. Yep, plenty of that, but it’s OK – it’s freedom of speech and bodily contortion.
7. The #NAMBLA hashtag has far too much activity. If you’re not familiar with NAMBLA, you really don’t want to know. Trust me on that one.
8. You can find Twitter users who have named themselves “Miley Cyrus Twerking” and “Miley Twerk Cyrus.”
9. Continuing on that topic, you can find users named “Notorious Toe Cheese” and “Cement Brain”
10. The average Tweet IQ is 37.8% that of a YouTube comment.
One bright note, assuming the enemy of your enemy is your friend. China has banned Twitter, so take that.
If you’re reading this, chances are that you’re less desirable to Twitter than an ad to gain 5,000 followers from the comfort of your own home. I hate to break that to you, but remember, I’m just the messenger. So don’t shoot me. That would be against Twitter policy.